Change

Could not fall back to sleep this morning. So I decided to do some writing instead. As of late I am undergoing an internal process of change, one that has become painful. Funny how we seem to think that we have completely dealt with our own issues from the past. I am in no way saying that I need to live in it, however, to be completely free of any “baggage” that has remained, it must be acknowledged, addressed, and dealt with.

The word change is an oxymoron. Change by the very definition is a transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another: the change of seasons. Yet change is the only thing that remains constant. It is one of the very few reliable constants we experience every day of our lives. Literally, everything will change, whether we like it or not. Most will try to control the change that occurs so it is always to our liking and specifications. Which is the ego running our lives. This will always lead to unhappiness and discontent, feeling unfulfilled with our lives.

I am not one of those people who can just let life pass me by without trying to be the best person I can be, or should I say at least trying to be better than I was the day before. Being that, to me, means simply being authentic and genuine. It is during these times when I feel most at peace with myself and everyone around me. As I stated in an earlier post it seems to me that I wax and wane from time to time. I think its human nature to do so. I also believe that its the Universes way of keeping us in check. After all, it will continue to place in front of you that which you have yet to learn, and will continue to do so until you do. We always seem to wonder why we continue to recreate experiences from the past…this is why. It will continue until we finally get it, and make a conscious choice to learn from it, and grow into our true selves.

With this process I think it must be said that there is and has to be a great amount of acceptance for those in our lives. I mean accepting all people for exactly where they are. This is not directed towards anyone in particular, but simply accepting everyone and how they choose to live and experience life. With this comes acceptance of our own selves and our humanness first and foremost. How can we accept another if we cannot accept ourselves? I am one who can be particularly hard on myself, which didn’t just happen over night. I too must accept myself exactly where I am, and trust in the Universe to guide me wherever it sees fit. I must allow, and I stress the word allow, this to happen, instead of forcing life. Life becomes so much more difficult, unfulfilling, and frustrating when we constantly force things, especially as it relates to our own personal growth.

I do not necessarily believe in spending my entire life to find, or define my lifes purpose. I do think however that we are guided to do certain things to contribute to the well being of not only ourselves, but humanity as a whole. We simply have to open our eyes enough and be willing to take on the challenge. Yes there are those who have a “calling” so to speak, but I do feel that has to eventually change to some degree as we never stay exactly the same. We are constantly growing and evolving, and with our experiences comes change. If we choose to close the doors placed before us, we then become stagnant in our ever evolving growth process. Those who choose this way of life, in my opinion, will always be unhappy and unfulfilled. Seeking a better life, happier life, doing the same thing they have always done without growing and learning will always produce the same results. This would be the Universe, yet again, continuing to place in front of you that which you have yet to learn.

Copyright 2019

The Importance of Silence

I have come to understand the importance of silence, not only while alone, but also with another, in my case my wife. I am a thinker, an analyzer, an observer, basically speaking I sometimes mistake the silence for there being something wrong. At least that what my overactive brain tells me. It is in these moments when I must shut my brain off and open my heart.

When I am active in my head I tend to assume that there must be something wrong. That in turn leads to questions, and the answers to those questions are never fully satisfied in the moments of silence. When I just listen to the silence with my heart, it in turn has no questions, no judgement, no assumptions. It is in these moments of quiet with my heart open that I must respect the other persons wishes to do so. Their reasons are varied, however, when it is stated to just be, just be in silence, and when I respect her wishes, that is when I feel closest at that moment with my wife. There are times when that is the only way to just slow down while in the presence of another. Sitting closely, holding hands, and just being. Being present without words spoken.

This is something that I actually struggle with. I often have questions to which I just need the answers to. Sometimes the questions are trivial, sometimes not. I am learning that silence, and I mean the comfortable type, is just ok. Where I need to be a bit more understanding is when another has had an extremely long week, talking all week, and listening to another persons woes, just does not feel like talking, or answering lots of questions for that matter.

On the other hand, when I genuinely respect the silence, it is reciprocated in many other ways. Sitting together even closer, holding each other, with the occasional gentle kiss with an even deeper loving look into my eyes. I have found that there is nothing quite like it. I have come to the realization that the deepest connection between two people happens when there are no words used at all.

I chose to write about my humanness, because I am far from perfect. One thing I do try and do is learn from these little lessons in life that teach me to be a better listener, a better husband, and a better friend. When I fail to recognize my faults and flaws, and more importantly, own them, then I have become unteachable. I must always be willing to take a look in the mirror, and remain teachable.

So what did I really learn from all this? Silence and quiet are just as important as communication. Words can tend to cloud our feelings and emotions, if not alter them all together. It is in this silence where the most tender of moments can be felt, experienced, and cherished with the heart. Tonight I am grateful for the moments of silence uncomplicated with words.

Copyright 2019

A look back…

I was recently asked to look back at my life over the last few years. Something I don’t particularly like to do, but need to do none the less. Upon reflection of this it became somewhat painful, almost in a way of reliving whatever it was that I was talking about.

I have come to understand why this may be necessary to do from time to time. Not in a way of visiting it just to tell a story, but in a way of learning more about myself, as well as what did I learn from it? In this particular case pain is a necessary part of our human growth and evolution. We must know and recognize the pain in order to know and recognize joy, and inner peace.

Copyright 2019

If I knew I was going to die soon, what would I do? How would I feel? How would I live?

I’ve pondered this since learning of people in my life who have been given a very finite time in which they will live. It came flooding in as I was laying in bed last night.

Morbid topic, I know, but I think it must be considered when we have a choice to really live. Truth is we don’t know when we will cease to exist on this human earthly plane. It could be 6 minutes, 6 days, or 60 years. So why is it that people choose not to live life fully? Fully present? Fully aware? Fully awake? Why do we as humans choose anything less? I think it stems from fear.

I think many have a fear of the unknown, fear of letting go, a genuine fear of not being able to control what comes in and out of our lives, despite our most valiant attempts. We must control our lives so that we can control the outcome. Ha! Such bullshit! Are we that egotistical to actually think we can control everything?

It has been in my limited personal experience that life, living, gives back what we put into it. So…back to the original question, what would I do? I guess that would all depend on what I perceive would bring me inner peace and happiness. If I believe that I am the soul creator of my own inner peace, happiness, and real joy, then I know there is no external force, thing, experience, or activity that could possibly takes its place. On the contrary, if I sought happiness from others, from people, from experiences then I would have to say that I would be totally wreckless in seeking that which I thought would bring me happiness. Which of course is only temporary. I would do it selfishly, for my own gain.

I am grateful to not be that way at all. So…what would I do? I would make sure to show those around me unconditional love. I would teach any and all willing to listen what it really means to live and love without limits. We are all teachers and students at various points in our lives. Old age, in my opinion, does not qualify a person to be a teacher, for they may still have much to learn. Experiences don’t necessarily qualify a person either. Wisdom does come from experiences, life, mistakes, being human…but wisdom in which to teach, to share, comes from learning from all those things put before us in our lives. All placed before each and every one of us to make us better people, kinder people, more compassionate people, more loving people. If we could all just open our eyes wide enough to see the lessons in everything.

Imagine if a very selfish person who was filled with hate, division, and negativity actually got a taste of what it feels like to live a life of bliss and a life of joy. Whether or not they actually do some work and allow it is irrelevant at this point. But what if they could get a glimpse of it, feel it for just a day? Imagine the impact this could have on their life. I think this begs to ask, how can we take someone from their own personal hell, to a life of bliss? The simple answer, one moment at a time. Being absolutely present in it, being fully present in our interactions. Treating that moment and each one thereafter as if it was your last.

Why is it that something so simple can be so complex? Many are busy trying to control the outcomes of there lives. Shaping and molding it so that the ending fits the one living in their head. Yes our lives are malleable to a certain extent. And yes I believe we can attract more positive in our lives with right motive, right thought, and right action. But we must give up the illusion that we are in total control in our lives. Living this way will always create fear and anxiety, and ultimately disappointment. When we have these expectations of how our lives should be, we will always be disappointed and let down. Nothing will ever be enough.

We as humans tend to live our lives with the age old question, whats next? Truth be known there is no whats next. This only exists in our minds, going from one thing to the next without much thought, without slowing down enough to actually be present in that which we are doing this very moment. Back to why is this so complex? Our minds/egos use activities to fulfill what it perceives to be happiness. The sad reality of this is that it is only temporary. Then once the mind becomes bored and no longer fulfilled, its on to the next thing on its agenda. All of this is but a mere illusion the mind plays on us in order to create the outcome of our lives. To create yet another illusion of living and being successful.

In my opinion the success of our lives lies in our day to day, moment to moment thoughts, actions, and interactions. The idea of “the american dream” has been created to imprison each and every one of us to work and slave ourselves to death so that we can attain the american dream. When we fall prey to this we create our own prison. We have sentenced ourselves to working our lives away just to keep all the things that make up the american dream. Something most of us were taught as children. You need to have this to be successful in life. So as a result, success, happiness, and joy were instilled in us very early on as a comparison to everyone else, or as we were told how it should be. In case you haven’t figured this out, this is all an illusion. Our happiness, success, and joy should never be compared with another, nor established by another.

In the end, to quote a Tim McGraw song, we should all “live like we were dying”. This is in no way an excuse for bad or harmful behavior, but simply as way to be, a way to live. It is the only way in which to grow, to love, to be kind, and compassionate towards others. And ultimately live with no judgment, and most importantly, live a life free of fear. So forgive yourself for your past mistakes, learn from them. They were all placed there by design to help us become better human beings. Forget the future, that’s where the fear lies. There is no future, all we really have is right now.

Copyright 2019

Being Present…12/28/2018

I happened across this today while going through some old files on a hard drive. It contains not only some of my files, but some of my wifes as well. This was something that she had saved from quite some time ago, most likely during one of our “off” moments.

The reason this is significant and profound is that this is exactly how I have been feeling lately, or should I say, demanding. It took several reads to finally get my ego in check, to the point where I had to look in the mirror. It’s not easy admitted one’s own faults and flaws, but in my case this was very necessary.

You see, I am a thinker, an overthinker. Sometimes I let my brains cloud my heart, when I know better. My brains have gotten me into much more trouble than my heart has. Yet I will still find some way to justify using my brains, instead of just trusting in my heart.

This particular site and post for that matter is not read by many, and that’s ok. It is a means of self expression and an outlet for some of my deepest thoughts. I don’t seek the approval of anyone, but I do have to own my shit so to speak. This is my way of cleaning my side of the street so that I can lay my head down at night. Of course sometimes it just takes time.

Please read the following excerpt and ponder it. Ponder it until it finally hits you square in the face, I am human, I am not perfect, I will always make mistakes, and my brains are not always right.

Copyright 2019

Excerpt from “The Gift From the Sea” found on Todays Weddings website.

By Anne Morrow Lindbergh

When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We  have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror irs ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia, nor looking forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands. One must accept  them  for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continually visited and abandoned by the tides.

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh-

Service as a means of Love

When most think of the word service, one of the first things that comes to mind is laborious. When we serve our fellow man or our loved ones, it does not have to be labor intensive. When we serve others from a place of Love, of Kindness, it no longer becomes like work. What some fail to realize is that when we serve others, the rewards we get are so much greater. Not monetarily, but it rewards the heart. One of the most rewarding feelings there is, is to give and serve without others knowing. In my opinion, this fills the heart more than anything else and from a Universal standpoint, it will, and it must return to the giver, more often than not 10 fold, even 100 fold. This has been my personal experience. Asking our Loved ones, what can I do for you? Sends a message of genuine and sincere caring, and selflessness. Since I am human I must also remember that people use words as well as actions to express this. And we must remember that although it may not be reciprocated the same exact way, its sincerity should not be questioned. Basically…having an expectation. If we choose to live a life without expectations, we will never be let down or disappointed. Our humanness and our egos will ultimately always try to set them, and when we become aware of this, we continue to evolve to a place of consciousness, being present in the moment.

Copyright 2019

Evolving

I think and believe that we all evolve at different rates. I do think that this evolution from fear to Love, from unconsciousness to consciousness is in direct proportion to our experiences that precedes both. I do find it interesting that we wax and wane, we go back to revisit the old, for whatever that reason. I think that’s where our minds, our ego likes to step in and try to run the show. I do believe that it does take somewhat of a seeking nature for truth and understanding.

Copyright 2019

Wedding Eve…

This is what I wrote to Suzann the night before we got married…She was somewhat traditional so I did not see her until the next morning at our wedding. So I was left with just my thoughts, thoughts that needed to be written, spoken, heard, and understood. When I speak from a place of Love, the words just come to me.

Tomorrow I will make the woman I love my wife. I can’t seem to imagine her not in my life

She always has a smile and a laugh to give, and still finds it in her heart to forgive

Some days she is flighty, and some days she is meek, then there are the days she gives too much and feels weak

It is in those moments where lies the woman I admire, she has those traits that only those can aspire

I know I have found a woman, deep down in my heart, who will never let this world tear us apart

Tomorrow I will honor her, and to her myself. It is through trust and faith in the universe that this can be felt

I spent so long trying to find all the wrong. When I finally saw…it was her that had my heart all along

When I opened my heart and my eyes it was then and only then, that I heard her song

Her song is full of passion, of love, and fate. It moved me so deeply that I knew I could never hate

I have not only love to truly give, and give it freely I shall do, that would be the only thing that I could ever request of you

I admire her, I Love her, I want her, I want to continue on this journey with no one but her

I love you woman, never lose sight of that, even when there are life’s little spats

I give to you all of me, my love, my unwavering loyalty. I may stumble and I may fall, but it is you that will remind me that its ok get back up even if you have to crawl

I look forward to each and every day I have with you, even its little to no words, it’s in these NOW moments when our souls can be heard

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am grateful and humbled to be so blessed with such an amazing, fun, smart, funny, beautiful, loving, caring, giving, and yes adventurous woman

All my Love to you, only you, and always to you, Ken

Copyright 2019

…Marriage after loss

It took me 3 and 1/2 years to remarry again. I cannot begin to express the fear I had of doing it again. The fear came from a place of just not knowing, not knowing what the future holds. Which actually goes against what I believe. The woman I married…Suzann, I can honestly say that I love all of her. It took a lot of patience and acceptance. The first year of our relationship was on and off because I would get scared, or I would judge, or judge motives. It was not in my nature to judge, I can only say that it came from fear. There are but two feelings, fear and Love. I spent the first year and a half in fear.  When I finally stepped back and stopped judging, I began to live in a place of Love. Do fears creep in from time to time, yes they do. When I am in a place of Love my words are very different. I do my best to speak from a place of Love, Kindness, and Compassion. As all the rest of us, I am still human and will always strive to be a better human than the day before, more importantly, I will learn from my mistakes, because I will always make them. Last time I checked I was not Buddha, Muhammed, Allah, or Jesus.

This is a poem I wrote to my fiance, the day I proposed.

For my wife to be…Suzann

To the woman, the only one I see, the one who is most beautiful to me

Don’t be scared, don’t be afraid, do not fear to be who you are meant to be

I love you, all of you, I promise to love you, and you that has yet to be

Your uneasy feelings of being in a place you have never been, never seen, never felt, allow them to be

Do not fear the unknown, only know that all has lead to where you are supposed to be, that is here with me

I am proud of the woman that has grown, ups and downs, we all have them

We all grow when given a chance, the Universe has kept us together, not by happenstance

Do not be afraid to let love in, to let love out.

Just know at the end of the day, Love is all there really is, and have no doubt

As an individual you are good, and so am I, both of us together can reach for the sky

I have given you all of me, and I ask the same in return

For I will not judge the scars and the burns, we all have them, they were simply there to help us learn

I Love you woman with every fiber of my being, and I know and feel the same I am seeing

I will not leave your side, I will not stand behind, and I will not stand in front

But very soon I will be at your side, me as your groom, and you as my bride

I am humbled, honored, and proud to have you in my life.

My Love for you will never stop growing  even after you become my wife

All my Love to you, only you and always you, Ken

Copyright 2019

True Love and what it means to me

The following is derived from reflection upon the loss of a loved one. It is in no way intended as a comparison to any past or future relationships.

If someone has had to pleasure and gift of such an experience there is no doubt what it is that one feels. When one is asking another of what is true love, it also tells me that they are seeking it from an external source. Many many people go for many years seeking such Love externally. This kind of seeking love will never be fulfilling. It will never be real, never true, never pure. Only superficial.

Reflecting back in time in late 2013, I recall Tara(now deceased) and I talking. We were talking about love. Our love for not only ourselves but for one another. This conversation did not last just a few mins or even a few hours. We spent an entire weekend talking of this love, this love we had found, or it found Us. Our one desire and one wish was that we wanted everyone to be able to experience this. That this was a must for all to have at least once in their lifetime. We always said we collided at the same time, on the same spot in our spiritual journey. In my opinion, there is but only one way for Love to even be possible. That is by allowing. It can only be said in hind site, that I was actually allowing a teacher into my life, to teach me how to Love.

By allowing what is to be, to just be. We would always say, there is no pushing, no pulling, only allowing. We quickly knew that the Universe was bringing us together for something much larger than either one of us could begin to understand. But how it got to that point, was by allowing. We were both in a place where we were allowing life to come in and not force anything to be as we think it should be. But as it saw fit. It is an amazing feeling to not force life to operate on our timetables. Which is, of course, the ego-driven life.  We were free of the ego driven life. We had allowed the universe to take its course to bring us together, to experience this unchartered territory. It would forever alter who I am as a man. I think allowing things to be with a great amount of acceptance. We must accept it, whatever it is. It cannot always be seen as bad but as a necessary part of the furthering of the spiritual journey within.

Our discussion on Love would take many twists and turns throughout the course of the weekend. I will state at this point, that none of our discussions were short. We always had so much to say. It felt so very important to both of us that we share these things, anything. We did know that is was first and foremost a true love of self. One must have an absolute Love of self in order to allow for Love to step into our lives. This Love of self is not the conceited love of self, but the pure acceptance of who we are as spiritual beings living a human existence. Love comes from within, that where it all starts. How can we expect to love another and not love ourselves first? Doing so without the love of self first is seeking it from external sources. Externally equals temporary and unfulfilled. I think it fair to state that in order to be true to oneself, that one should not seek an unhealthy relationship for the sake of companionship. Herein lies our humanness. Our human need for touch and a warm body nearby. Ultimately when love really fills our heart, there is no need for this. As human beings, we all do ultimately have a genuine need for touch, so it is not to say that that we don’t need it. It’s just to say, do not fulfill this genuine need for touch with something that’s unhealthy, or not good for you.

Those external sources will fill a variety of roles for that person. It fills a perceived void in their lives, where one thinks that they are not complete without another. This turns into an unhealthy relationship. When one requires another for “completeness”, it becomes somewhat codependent. When we have Love from within, we do not need another person to make us whole. We are already whole. External sources will also rid one of fear, the fear of being alone. The kicker here is that when we come from a place of love in our everyday lives, we are Love, we are not alone. Fill the heart with Love, and fear will subside if not completely disappear.

In order to experience love, we also came to the conclusion that one must live in it. If we as people have hatred for others, there is no way to feel this kind of love. It just is not possible. We must have a love for all beings, big and small. This, of course, includes nature. Living in love is, and can be expressed in our everyday lives. With those we interact with, the people we meet on the street. This does not mean to go up to everyone and say “I love you”, but feel it in your heart. They too have the ability to love beyond limits. It is vital to treat all with love. This helps to eradicate any feelings of dislike or hatred, and I also believe division. Which brings me to the next part,  unity; the opposite of division.

Living a life of divisiveness cannot lead to love. If we are whole as people, why would we think of ourselves as divided from another, think that we are better than another? We all come from the same place, we are all one. Our world today is filled with division, we just don’t always see it. We take whole races and religious sects and think of them as different. Or think that they are wrong. No one is wrong, no one is right for that matter. We just are. This topic itself could be discussed in much greater detail, but that would detract from the original intention. I witness division every day. The beauty of this is that I am aware that it is division, I do not, however, have to take part in it. So to ask the question, how can you have a love for all, but hate something? it cannot exist together. Anything less is not love.

I think that Love cannot be discussed without gratitude. To be truly grateful for all we are, for what we have, for who we are. I was so grateful that she was a part of my life. That we could share our lives with each other. It was not a requirement that they be in it. Just to share in it. To accentuate that which we already had. A very beautiful place to be in. I was truly humbled and grateful to be in her presence. I was grateful for each and every moment we spent talking, laughing, or just in silence. It was as if we didn’t have to say anything, we just knew.

One of the hardest things to do is to work on oneself to be the healthiest they can be before entering into a love based relationship. And I stress love-based relationship as opposed to lust based. We as humans have become impatient, we want it now. Patience is required here. I say this in the context of those things mentioned earlier, allowing, accepting, unity(non-divisiveness), gratitude and now patience. Patience is vastly underrated and cannot be overstated. We must be patient with ourselves to allow for the universe to work in its time. We as humans think we can control outcomes or situations or even decide who is best for us by limiting who is allowed to love us. We limit with educational requirements, income, material possessions, skin color, religious affiliations. All of which are a form of division and ultimately come from a place of fear. Again fill the heart with love, and love will find you. It is the simple law of attraction. We can’t completely get rid of the ego, but we can limit its control over our thoughts and ultimately actions. Think about it for a moment, an argument with someone is the ego defending its position on something, usually division. The ego does not want to be wrong, it must be right and always in fear and defense mode. Let it go and fear will leave you. Fill it with Love, and love will find you. We are all energetic vibrational beings. The laws of physics even state that you will be found. And the law of attraction makes it so.

The beauty of true love is that it has no boundaries. It is limitless and infinite. I learned a long time ago,  that if you have to ask yourself whether or not someone loves you, then they don’t. Love cannot contain itself. This sounds harsh, but it is true. Love will express itself in the sweetest of subtle ways. If we are not looking we would clearly miss them. The point is to have one’s eyes wide open, and the heart even wider. Since we are all one, we all have the ability to love without limits. There are those who choose differently, and for those, my hope is one day the light comes shining in. In the end, there is no one thought, one word, or even many words that describe true love. It cannot be described, therefore, true love is simply indescribable. You will know it when there are no words to accurately describe how you feel about someone. I know this because I have tried. I still cannot explain it.

Copyright 2019